Dinky Reviews!

Children of the Corn (2009). Starring Dee from Battlestar Gallactica (modern version), and my all-time least favorite character from NBC's Heroes!

It sucked - it suuuuuuucked!!!

"But Kit," I hear you asking, "did it suck?" Why, yes - yes, as a matter of fact, it did!

The little kid they got to play Isaac wasn't a good enough actor to carry this movie, he wasn't scary... heck, he wasn't even the least little bit creepy-looking! And I know that He Who Walks Behind the Rows was represented by some truly laughable animation in the original - but at least in that version they actually bothered to show him...

And what was up with that ending? Dude, they totally should've ended it with the line, "Scarecrow!"

So was there anything good in this movie? Well, the two adults were all right, I suppose. I did like the Vietnam flashbacks - but that alone wasn't enough to save this miserable piece of garbage...

Dinky Reviews!

Gamer (2009). Starring King Leonidis, and Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson. With bit parts for Q and Peter Petrelli.

There's a whole host of stuff in this movie that's confusing, makes no logical sense from a storyline standpoint, is never explained, or all three at once!

Big, loud and dumb is one thing. Leaving out whole swaths of information that's vital to the audience's comprehension of what's happening on-screen - whilst also failing to abide by any determinable set of rules as set forth by the film itself - is another.

For instance: [SPOILERS!]What was the deal with that guy who was killed three or four times, at least - yet somehow, by all appearances, kept coming back to life?

And what was up with the non-player characters (for instance, the woman dressed in traditional Islamic garb)? From what I could gather, a prisoner could earn their freedom if they survived just one day as an NPC... but even so, why did they turn John Leguizamo's character into one? As some form of punishment - simply for asking the guard for a little help?[/end SPOILERS!]

There's probably more that I'm forgetting... but suffice it to say: G'ah! This film made my brain hurt!

Dinky Reviews!

Open Water 2: Adrift (2006). Starring people forced to act like complete idiots by a lame script.

What was that ending supposed to mean, anyway? Seriously, I haven't a clue...

This is a prime example of the sort of film in which characters are much more stupid than most people in real life would ever be. I'm talking about just general common sense here - not from the vantage point of the audience being given more information to go on than the characters themselves are...

I mistook the only visible part of a life jacket - inexplicably colored purple (likely in the hopes that people would make just that kind of mistake) - from the DVD's cover as being a tentacle of some kind. You can see where this is going - oh, how disappointed I was...

This one was allegedly supposed to be truer to the "real story" than the first film was. In the end, though, it actually managed to be even less realistic than the original! Tons of blood in the water in this one - and yet somehow, nary a nibble from any (entirely non-existent, according to this film) aquatic lifeforms...

This is one film that's better off avoided altogether, folks...

Some Magic: The Gathering cards I happen to own

These are just some of cards that I'm lucky to own. I'm always tickled to pull good cards from the packs I buy, because I typically only buy six or less boosters per set. In the near future (it's 8/14/13 as of this writing), I'm hoping to both update and condense (removing the less impressive cards I included from every consecutive just for completion's sake) this list. Again, if you were brought to this site while searching for any of the cards listed herein, and were hoping for something more substantial, I do apologize.

Updated 10/5/09

Revised: Black Vise (Uncommon)
Fourth Edition: Hypnotic Specter (Uncommon)
Fifth Edition: Armageddon (Rare)
Sixth Edition: Archangel (Rare)
Magic 2010: Shivan Dragon (Rare, foil)
Portal I: Personal Tutor (Uncommon)
Fallen Empires: Hymn to Tourach (Common, x4 – all four illustrations)
Ice Age: Pox (Rare)
Alliances: Lake of the Dead (Rare)
Mirage: Flash (Rare, x2)
Visions: Tithe (Rare)
Weatherlight: Lotus Vale (Rare)
Tempest: Humility (Rare)
Stronghold: Mox Diamond (Rare)
Exodus: Curiosity (Uncommon)
Urza’s Saga: Tie – Opal Archangel (Rare), Wildfire (Rare)
Urza’s Legacy: Tie – Delusions of Mediocrity (Rare, foil), Mother of Runes (Uncommon)
Urza’s Destiny: Academy Rector (Rare)
Mercadian Masques: Charisma (Rare, Chinese text)
Nemesis: Tie – Parallax Wave (Rare), Daze (Common, x4)
Prophecy: Tie – Veteran Brawlers (Rare, foil), Avatar of Hope (Rare)
Invasion: Coalition Victory (Rare, foil)
Planeshift: Skyship Weatherlight (Rare, foil)
Apocalypse: Spectral Lynx (Rare)
Odyssey: Tie – Braids, Cabal Minion (Rare), Nantuko Mentor (Rare, foil)
Torment: Cabal Coffers (Uncommon, x2)
Judgment: Silver Seraph (Rare)
Onslaught: Polluted Delta (Rare)
Legions: Akroma, Angel of Wrath (Rare)
Scourge: Goblin Warchief (Uncommon, x3)
Mirrodin: Solemn Simulacrum (Rare)
Darksteel: Tie – Chromescale Drake (Rare, foil), Pulse of the Fields (Rare)
Fifth Dawn: Veldalken Shackles (Rare)
Champions of Kamigawa: Isamaru, Hound of Konda (Rare)
Betrayers of Kamigawa: Umezawa’s Jitte (Rare)
Saviors of Kamigawa: Choice of Damnations (Rare)
Time Spiral: Tie - Shadowmage Infiltrator (“Time-shifted” Rare), Flagstones of Trokair (Rare)
Planar Chaos: Tie – Life and Limb (Rare, foil), Gaea’s Anthem (Rare)
Future Sight: Pyromancer’s Swath (Rare)
Shadowmoor: Sunken Ruins (Rare)
Eventide: Balefire Liege (Rare)
Planechase: Grave Pact (Rare)
Unglued: Blacker Lotus (Rare)
Unhinged: Swamp (foil)

Magic: The Gathering - The Basics, Part 1:

In Magic: The Gathering, players take on the roles of opposing Planeswalkers: god-like beings who can, under their own power, travel between worlds and - as their name implies - other planes of reality. As a Planeswalker, you tap into the land itself to summon little dudes - called "creatures" (and yes, human is just one of many creature sub-types) - to fight your opponent. Creatures also serve the dual role of blocking your opponent's creatures when they attack you, in return.

Both players start the game with a sixty-card deck; a seven-card opening hand; and twenty life points (which, as you might well expect, can go either up or down during the match). When one player's life points are reduced to zero (or any of the other victory conditions - albeit rare [such as running out of cards to draw] - are met), they lose the game!

The most basic resources in the game are land cards. Roughly one-third (and sometimes more!) of any good Magic: The Gathering deck is made up of lands. In this regard, deck design is somewhat easier than it is in other collectible card games...

Players "tap" (turn sideways, in order to show that it's been used this turn) land for one of five different colors of "mana" (a term you're undoubtedly familiar with if you've ever played the Diablo video games) - which is magical energy that's required to cast spells (comprised of all the other non-land card types). There are five different basic land types (although of course, there's plenty of other non-basic lands, too) - each with its own associated color of mana. Naturally, certain colors work better together than others - and while I've listed enemy colors, they are not in fact impossible to play in tandem (just more difficult).

The colors are, in order:

White mana
Basic land type: Plains
Allied colors: Blue and green
Enemy colors: Black and red
Largest creature type: Angels. Every set has at least one angel in it (and sometimes more) - most of them rare.
Most ubiquitous creature type: Human.
Strengths: Healing, damage prevention and redirection; lots of small creatures that are fast to bring into play (which have been nicknamed "weenies" by players)
Weaknesses: White has trouble, both with being able to deal much damage, and to deal it fast enough.

Blue mana
Basic land type: Islands
Allied colors: White and black
Enemy colors: Red and green
Largest creature type: Pretty much non-applicable, since it's a built-in counter-balance to blue's overall power in other aspects of the game. While blue does have a few large creatures, most of them have severe built-in drawbacks to their use.
Most ubiquitous creature type: Wizard (be they Merfolk, Faerie, etc.)
Streghths: Countering opponents' spells entirely; drawing lots of extra cards. Blue is often considered to be Magic's most powerful color.
Weaknesses: It is also the slowest. It takes longer to get the ball rolling with blue than it does with any other color.

Black mana
Basic land type: Swamps
Allied colors: Blue and red
Enemy colors: White and green
Largest creature type: Demons, Vampires and Djinns. Those three are among the rarest creature types in the game, though - sometimes years go by without new instances of the same!
Most ubiquitous creature type: Zombies, Skeletons etc.
Strengths: Forcing opponents to discard from their hands; bringing their own stuff back from the discard pile
Weaknesses: Black is the only color to have no way to deal with two powerful card types - Artifacts and Enchantments.

Red mana
Basic land type: Mountains
Allied colors: Black and green
Enemy colors: White and blue
Largest creature type: Dragons
Most ubiquitous creature type: Goblins
Strengths: Dealing damage directly to an opponent (bypassing blocking creatures entirely); destroying cards that are already in play
Weaknesses: Red often sacrifices caution for speed - many of its spells damage their players as much (sometimes more) as they do their opponents!

Green mana
Basic land type: Forests
Allied colors: White and red
Enemy colors: Blue and black
Largest creature type: Too numerous to list! Green is the color that's known for its big creatures.
Most ubiquitous creature type: Elves
Strengths: Fast mana production; lots of extra mana production; big creatures
Weaknesses: Green is the most average of Magic's five colors - but what it might lack in flashiness, when compared to the others, it more than makes up for by having no real glaring weaknesses...

There are also multi-colored/"gold" (the color of their card borders) spells. These require at least two, and possibly as many as five different colors of mana to cast! They typically combine the strengths of their respective colors, albeit usually not quite so powerful as in their uncombined forms. For example, a multi-colored black and blue spell might force your opponent to discard cards, while you yourself draw an equal amount of cards. Gold's largest creatures are the Elder Dragons.

Magic: The Gathering

As of this writing (8/14/13), the list which follows is terribly out-of-date. In addition to judging respective power levels of all the cardsI've obtained in the intervening years, I'm also considering nominating the best (or best few) cards that I own of each possible multi-colored combination. If you were brought to this site while searching for any of the cards listed herein, and were hoping for something more substantial, I do apologize.

Updated 10/5/09

The following is an ordered list of my best Magic: The Gathering cards (playability-wise) thus far, by color. For simplicity's sake, no Commons are included.

White: Armageddon (Fifth Edition, Rare); Akroma, Angel of Wrath (Legions, Rare); Parallax Wave (Nemesis, Rare); Serra Angel (Fourth Edition, Uncommon); Akroma's Vengeance (Planechase, Rare)

Blue: Evacuation (Stronghold, Rare); Equilibrium (Seventh Edition, Rare); Serra Sphinx (Planar Chaos, Rare); Azumi, Lady of Scrolls (Champions of Kamigawa, Rare); Fatespinner (Mirrodin, Rare)

Black: Braids, Cabal Minion (Odyssey, Rare); Infernal Tribute (Weatherlight, Rare); Hypnotic Specter (Fourth Edition, Uncommon); Grave Pact (Planechase, Rare); Sengir Vampire (Torment, Rare)

Red: Savage Beating (Darksteel, Rare); Relentless Assault (Eighth Edition, Rare); Shivan Dragon (Magic 2010, Rare); Flametongue Kavu (Planechase, Uncommon); Skullscorch (Torment, Rare)

Green: Sylvan Library (Fifth Edition, Rare); Gaea's Anthem (Planar Chaos, Rare); Azusa, Lost but Seeking (Champions of Kamigawa, Rare); Enshrined Memories (Betrayers of Kamigawa, Rare); Eternal Witness (Fifth Dawn, Uncommon)

Multi-colored/Gold: Shadowmage Infiltrator (Time Spiral, "Time-shifted" Rare); Void (Invasion, Rare); Eladamri's Call (Planeshift, Rare); Stormbind (Time Spiral, "Time-shifted" Rare); Fires of Yavimaya (Planechase, Uncommon)

Artifact: Mox Diamond (Stronghold, Rare); Umezawa's Jitte (Betrayers of Kamigawa, Rare); Cloud Key (Future Sight, Rare); Black Vise (Revised, Uncommon); Crucible of Worlds (Fifth Dawn, Rare)

Land: Lotus Vale (Weatherlight, Rare); Undiscovered Paradise (Visions, Rare); Gemstone Mine (Weatherlight, Uncommon); Sunken Ruins (Shadowmoor, Rare); Heart of Yavimaya (Alliances, Rare)

Dinky Reviews!

Orphan (2009). Starring a cast of mostly relative unknowns who, regardless of their relative inexperience, still manage to turn in some great performances!

Don't believe those poor, joyless souls who tell you not to see this movie – it's a real slice of good old-fashioned, grade-A horror movie cheese!

Be that as it may... it is not, however, the kind of movie that you need to pay twenty dollars or more just to see in the theater! Try and do like I did instead: Hit the earliest possible matinee showing, scrimp on the concessions (you can sneak stuff in, if you feel you must), and check your brain at the door!

Seriously, though...there's a lot here that doesn't make much sense on that last count. But still! Mmm, cheese...