DC's Lights Out storyline event practically writes itself!

"Just wanted to say, loving 'Relic' as the villain's name."

"Me too! I mean, after 'Parallax' I really thought we'd already used every word in the dictionary."

"It's got the irony that hipsters love - what with it meaning 'old and obsolete,' and all..."

"So we've already killed off the Blue Lantern Corps. Who's next?"

"The Indigo Tribe? Haven't used those guys in a while..."

"Brilliant! They're gone. And after that... the Star Sapphires, maybe?"

"We're still getting rid of all the 'good' corps, right? ...except the Green Lanterns, of course!"

"Yeah, because anybody good must also be weak. But wait - didn't we just use Carol Farris in Man of Steel?"

"Ah, shoot! Well, we could kill off Fatality instead..."

*chuckles* "FINISH HER!!!"

*laughs* "Good one, Justin! But seriously, we've gotta keep her around for John Stewart over in Green Lantern Corps."

"Okay - so Relic will just slaughter the others, then. And destroy their central battery, for good measure."

"And don't forget their entity! That way it's like, Relic is so bad-ass he killed Love itself!"

"Nice! I like that. But what about the villain corps?"

"Sinestro's right out - he's wearing a yellow ring again in Forever Evil."

"Yeah, we gotta keep him around anyway because the Sinestro Corps War was so popular."

"There's always plenty of background characters there that never even had a single line of dialogue..."

"All right - so that's settled. The Red Lanterns?"

"Can't! They've got their own series. Plus, Guy Gardner's their leader right now."

"Hmm. Can we kill everybody but him?"

"Well, the title's Red Lanterns, plural - so..."

"Let's keep the cat! People love the cat."

"Yeah - and Bleez, for the sexual tension with Guy!"

"Naw, Ice is alive again... so we can afford to lose Bleez."

"And Larfleeze (hey - that rhymes!)?"

"...has a series now, too."

"Dang. I know! What if we had Relic kill off some Green Lanterns?"

"Eh, that's been done before. It'd have to be a main character to have any kind of real impact."

"Gardner's out, as we just discussed - can't kill Hal, because he was in the movie..."

"What about Kyle?"

"What about him? He's a White Lantern now, so we'll inexplicably be leaving him alone."

"...right! Because white's not a color, it's a hue."

"Exactly. And, speaking of..."

"John Stewart? The public was already up in arms when Green Lantern wasn't black in the movie!"

"Now-now, Justin - African-American."

"Right. Oh - I know! What about Jediah Caul? Because we already cancelled his series..."

"BRILLIANT!"

DC: Deceased Characters.

Dinky Reviews!

Elysium (2013). Starring Wikus van de Merwe, the tough chick from Predators, scenes shot in such a way as to showcase Jodie Foster's backside, and... look, I'm still trying to mentally separate Matt Damon's other roles from his love scene with Michael Douglas in Behind the Candelabra, all right?

Sadly, if you too have Bourne witness to the omnipresent trailers and advertisements for this film, you've seen roughly four-fifths of it already! I mean, I get wanting to fill up those seats in the theaters... but this was the wrong way to do it.

You've likely already seen another ending that's fundamentally the same as this one, too! This is such a pronounced step down from the brilliance which is the director's previous movie, District 9.

How the critics apparently thought Man of Steel should've ended

[SPOILERS!], obviously.

Bear in mind that, by this point in the movie, Zod has already done all of the following:

- Killed Clark's biological father, Jor-El.

- Threatened/almost choked to death Clark's Earth-born mother, Martha "Ma" Kent.

- Shown Clark an apocalyptic vision of the future wherein the entire human race has been reduced to a pile of bones.

- Killed tens of thousands of people in Metropolis with the "world engine"/Kryptonian terraforming machine.

- Personally sworn to kill every single man, woman and child on Earth, one at a time (presumably while Clark watches helplessly), just to make Superman suffer.

With all that said, Zod - at this moment in the story - is literally inches away from killing a young couple and their daughter using his new-found heat vision.

Superman: "Don't do this! Stop - please!"

Zod: "Never."

There is absolutely no other recourse, outside of killing Zod, to save these people's lives... but Clark hesitates. Wouldn't it be just as wrong, if not more so (killing, after all, should be against what Superman "stands" for), for Clark to take Zod's life?

In the end, Zod mows down the three innocent human beings.

Superman: "NOOOOOOO!"

Zod is subsequently incarcerated, and sentenced to live out the rest of his days in solitary (and allegedly escape-proof) confinement. And then, once he again inevitably breaks free from his imprisonment, he makes good on all his previous threats.

...

Look - I can understand being mad at the writers for placing Superman, as a character, in such an untenable predicament... but Clark absolutely did the right thing in this situation.

What other choice did he have?
[/SPOILERS!]

STOP TALKING DURING THE MOVIE!!!

I'm beyond tired of all these stupid frickin' idiots who won't shut up during the movie! They won't be quiet until you're forced to get up from your seat, embarrass yourself by causing a scene, and ultimately contribute to an atmosphere that isn't enjoyable for anyone.

Everybody shouldn't have to suffer just because a certain few people couldn't apparently be bothered to learn basic manners! Imbecilic dolts like that make me disdain humanity in general more than I already do!

Doctor Who? Exactly.

The following came to me last night in a dream:

"Oh, say - does that bow-tie clad Doctor yet quit?
Oh well... he'll be replaced by another young Brit."

Meanwhile: Why Avengers: Age of Ultron? Is Thanos going to be designated as exclusive to the Guardians of the Galaxy movies?

[SPOILERS!]
Rumor has it that Ronan the Accuser will be the first film's villain. Will we have to wait for the inevitable sequel for our first full-on Thanos starring role?
[/SPOILERS!]

Okay, Florida - redeem yourselves!

You are all hereby sentenced to see Pacific Rim theatrically.

That means that each and every resident of Florida with both the requisite transportation and the financial means, regardless of age - yes, even little-bitty babies - must purchase a ticket to see this excellent movie!

Or do you really want us to cede you to Mexico? I mean after all, we can always grant Puerto Rico statehood if we want to keep things at an even fifty...

EDIT: I've seen this film three times now. What, exactly, have you contributed to the world these past few decades? Hanging chads, Terri Schiavo, Casey Anthony and now this?!?

Leave "Man of Steel" alone!

Is it better than Superman (1978), or Superman II (the "Richard Donner Cut," at any rate)? Is Henry Cavill better as Superman than Christopher Reeves? Is Michael Shannon a better Zod? Is Man of Steel a better movie than 2012's The Avengers? The answer to all of these questions - perhaps unsurprisingly - is no.

A far more important question, however, is this: Was it, and were they, supposed to be?

What, exactly, was everybody expecting? This was never going to be (at a guess, from all the flack this film is catching) the next Lawrence of Arabia - not when all it ever really needed to be was better than Superman Returns!

You know two words that I would use to describe Man of Steel? Try "resonant," and "relevant." When did everyone become so incapable of just appreciating a movie for its thematic elements and emotional core?

This film has moved me on a personal level in a way that few others ever have. Consequently, I've now seen this movie in theaters a total of four times.

Seriously, people: Quit slagging on Man of Steel! Not only is it a good movie - it's maybe even a great one.

EDIT - I'm calling it now: Man of Steel - the most misunderstood, unfairly maligned movie of recent times.

I might someday write an additional post wherein I'd detail exactly what it is that makes me feel the way I do about this film, in the hopes of offering up another point-of-view on a subject about which others may have been too quick to judge. You know, if there's actually a demand for such a thing.