Orphan (2009). Starring a cast of mostly relative unknowns who, regardless of their relative inexperience, still manage to turn in some great performances!
Don't believe those poor, joyless souls who tell you not to see this movie – it's a real slice of good old-fashioned, grade-A horror movie cheese!
Be that as it may... it is not, however, the kind of movie that you need to pay twenty dollars or more just to see in the theater! Try and do like I did instead: Hit the earliest possible matinee showing, scrimp on the concessions (you can sneak stuff in, if you feel you must), and check your brain at the door!
Seriously, though...there's a lot here that doesn't make much sense on that last count. But still! Mmm, cheese...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Dinky Reviews!
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009). Starring Peter Cullen, Frank Welker (and it's about dang time on that count – considering, you know, how Michael Bay totally snubbed him with a non-inclusion in 2007's Transformers!), the Candyman and Henry Jones the Third. Also some bony, greasy, and pointless slow-motion T & A in the form of Megan Fox – and some horrific racial stereotypes in the form of, well... in the form of some new Transformers!
I have decided that I will buy this when it's released on DVD. Probably not immediately... but eventually.
I will then write "This Movie Is Wrong!" on a little scrap of paper, and then tape it over the film's given title in a rather obvious fashion...
I have decided that I will buy this when it's released on DVD. Probably not immediately... but eventually.
I will then write "This Movie Is Wrong!" on a little scrap of paper, and then tape it over the film's given title in a rather obvious fashion...
Dinky Reviews!
Legion of Super-Heroes: Darkness Rising (2008). Starring... well, Jim Shooter, as far as I'm concerned! And some awesome, honest-to-goodness new characters, too, such as Gazelle and Voice!
If ever there was someone capable of undoing much of the damage wrought by Mark Waid's completely unnecessary "three-boot" of the Legion's on-going monthly, Jim Shooter was it! This is the first time that the comic series has actually felt like the Legion since DC inexplicably booted Abnett and Lanning off of the post-Zero Hour franchise – just because Waid claimed that he could make the series an instant "best seller" with his name affixed (but then, DC's loss was Marvel's gain – what with Abnett and Lanning's new take on Guardians of the Galaxy, and all)!
It's too bad that everything can't go back to the way it was, though – for instance, Karate Kid had already been established as a heterosexual in Waid's new continuity... Also, I'm guessing that the reason for Mon-El/Valor being absent from the current roster is because Waid brought in the modern-day Supergirl for his line-up – but oh well, what can ya do...
EDIT: Much to my chagrin, DC Comics has since done away with the Legion's ongoing title entirely.
If ever there was someone capable of undoing much of the damage wrought by Mark Waid's completely unnecessary "three-boot" of the Legion's on-going monthly, Jim Shooter was it! This is the first time that the comic series has actually felt like the Legion since DC inexplicably booted Abnett and Lanning off of the post-Zero Hour franchise – just because Waid claimed that he could make the series an instant "best seller" with his name affixed (but then, DC's loss was Marvel's gain – what with Abnett and Lanning's new take on Guardians of the Galaxy, and all)!
It's too bad that everything can't go back to the way it was, though – for instance, Karate Kid had already been established as a heterosexual in Waid's new continuity... Also, I'm guessing that the reason for Mon-El/Valor being absent from the current roster is because Waid brought in the modern-day Supergirl for his line-up – but oh well, what can ya do...
EDIT: Much to my chagrin, DC Comics has since done away with the Legion's ongoing title entirely.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Dinky Reviews!
The Burrowers (2009). Starring Ethan from Lost, Kurgan from Highlander and Eugene Victor Tooms. Also some cool-looking monsters!
Look, I fully realize that not every movie has to have a happy-happy ending... especially when it comes to horror movies! But this one was just lazy. I mean, you know you've got a problem when I, myself – scarcely a Hollywood movie writer, at that! – can think up a better downer ending than the so-called professionals... and one that wouldn't waste the aforementioned cool-looking monsters, to boot!
Look, I fully realize that not every movie has to have a happy-happy ending... especially when it comes to horror movies! But this one was just lazy. I mean, you know you've got a problem when I, myself – scarcely a Hollywood movie writer, at that! – can think up a better downer ending than the so-called professionals... and one that wouldn't waste the aforementioned cool-looking monsters, to boot!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Technical advice!
If you're willing to futz around with your television's picture settings for about a half an hour, I've found that you can actually make the 3D effects on Paramount's Friday the 13th, Part 3-D disc much more acceptable (although still pretty far from perfect)...
The stuff that works best? Lots of little things moving all at once (leaves blowing around, for example); movement in front of stationary backgrounds; folds in clothing; anything that's red (Vera's dress), blue (Chris' sweater) or green (Jason's shirt); inanimate objects, and anything shot at night/shrouded in darkness (which, thankfully, comprises a good chunk of the film)...
Also, it should be noted that the 3D glasses included with this release are much too small for the average adult's head! Consequently, one would do well to acquire a typical pair of red/blue 3D glasses from another source. And to that end, might I recommend Rhino's VHS release of Robot Monster? It includes two such pairs... and is a laughably terrible movie, to boot!
The stuff that works best? Lots of little things moving all at once (leaves blowing around, for example); movement in front of stationary backgrounds; folds in clothing; anything that's red (Vera's dress), blue (Chris' sweater) or green (Jason's shirt); inanimate objects, and anything shot at night/shrouded in darkness (which, thankfully, comprises a good chunk of the film)...
Also, it should be noted that the 3D glasses included with this release are much too small for the average adult's head! Consequently, one would do well to acquire a typical pair of red/blue 3D glasses from another source. And to that end, might I recommend Rhino's VHS release of Robot Monster? It includes two such pairs... and is a laughably terrible movie, to boot!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Dinky Reviews!
The Happening (2008). Starring Marky Mark (sans the Funky Bunch), Cholo from Land of the Dead and the real-life sister of the actress who plays Dr. Temperance Brennan on TV's "Bones."
About the best thing that I can say about this movie is that it exists. That, and – in only the most literal of technical terms – it does, in fact, qualify as an actual movie (but only just barely). Never before (nor probably will I since) have I seen a film that just shows up, fails to engage the audience on any level (unless boredom counts), and then just as quickly leaves the screen... and all completely without explanation!
About the best thing that I can say about this movie is that it exists. That, and – in only the most literal of technical terms – it does, in fact, qualify as an actual movie (but only just barely). Never before (nor probably will I since) have I seen a film that just shows up, fails to engage the audience on any level (unless boredom counts), and then just as quickly leaves the screen... and all completely without explanation!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Dinky Reviews!
Mirrors (2008). Starring Jack Bauer, George Romero's Bruiser and the butt of Amy Smart from the Crank series!
A lot of people have said that they have a problem with the way this film ends. Not me, though... I thought it was neat!
Now I just wish that the thing had earned enough money to warrant a sequel. Oh well... I guess that's what my imagination is for!
EDIT: Yes, I am aware of the since-released direct-to-DVD sequel - but considering that it has about as much to do with the first film as Amityville Dollhouse had to do with its parent series? Well, somehow I think that I'll give it a miss.
A lot of people have said that they have a problem with the way this film ends. Not me, though... I thought it was neat!
Now I just wish that the thing had earned enough money to warrant a sequel. Oh well... I guess that's what my imagination is for!
EDIT: Yes, I am aware of the since-released direct-to-DVD sequel - but considering that it has about as much to do with the first film as Amityville Dollhouse had to do with its parent series? Well, somehow I think that I'll give it a miss.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
